I literally binge-watched five seasons in four nights.
Yeah, that’s right, I stayed up all night, for four nights, secretly watching seasons 1-5. It was a mixture of me being so entertained by these stories that I couldn’t stop watching and me trying to become so tired that I wouldn’t care about anything. That being said, I have had a hard time ranking these seasons from worst to best. One season may have the best soundtrack, but it’s production design isn’t great; another may have the strongest story, but it lacks heart–you get the gist. There are some seasons that are clearly worse than others, but there are those couple that I juggle as being my favorite.
Without further ado, I present to you the worst to best season of AHS…
Roanoke (Season 6) — BORING
Did you watch all of Roanoke? No? Don’t worry: just watch the first half, because after that the show literally goes over the same story four more times. I’m not even exaggerating here. Everyone dies. That is, everyone except for Lana Winters because she’s Lana-banana-freakin’-Winters.
Where Hotel was lacking in story, it tried to make up for it in costume and set design. It was visually stimulating at least. Roanoke definitely lacks in story and doesn’t even have the decency to be beautiful.
I’m not even going to talk about the characters or themes because they’re dead and, frankly, irrelevant. Honestly, I was never scared either. I mean, come on! You had one job.
Hotel (Season 5) — OVERDONE
How would I describe Season 5 of American Horror Story? Hmmmm, let me think. Oh! I know: a 10 hour Lady Gaga music video.
Listen, I like Lady Gaga, her music, her videos, and I understand why the creators would want to really feature her in their show. But, they are evidently sooooo starstruck. If they had paid more attention to the plot and characters rather than the costumes and multiple gore/sex scenes, the season would have been so much better.
This is all I’m going to say about this season, but I have to admit that Countess’ costumes are amazing. I want those vampire gloves so bad.
Freak Show (Season 4) — FINE
It’s around Season 4 that I begin to have an easier time choosing my favorite season. This season is pretty good, but it looses its momentum frequently. While the same attention to interesting characters is present, these characters often fall short of realizing their potential.
The season takes place in Florida in 1952 and focuses on–yes, it’s obvious but I just want to make sure you know–a freak show. Themes of the show include discrimination, exploitation, and fame.
Once again, Jessica Lange plays the lead boss. This time she plays fame-hungry Elsa Mars, the show’s founder and leader, with a secret and dark past of her own. Mars’ “monsters” include Jimmy Darling aka “Lobster Boy,” (Evan Peters), his mom Ethel aka “Bearded Lady” (Kathy Bates), her ex and Jimmy’s father Dell Toledo aka strongman (Michael Chiklis), Toledo’s three-breasted wife Desiree Dupree (Angela Bassett), and murderous conjoined sisters Bette and Dot Tattler (Sarah Paulson).
Most of the freak show performers are just innocent people trying to make a living in a world that is slanted against them. Con-man Stanley (Denis O’Hare) tries to harvest the performers strange features to put in an oddity museum. Dandy Mott (Finn Wittrock), a spoiled man-child, tries hard to be part of the show because he feels like a “freak,” but he soon discovers that all he really wants is to murder freaks. AND then we have Twisty (John Carroll Lynch), the most underwhelming portrayal of a serial killer clown ever. He’s definitely gross, but he isn’t compelling at all.
Coven (Season 3) — EXTRA
This is possibly the craziest season to date: witches–a coven of witches, no less–, a VooDoo Queen, Pappa Legba, an undead 19th-century serial killer, a zombie boy, and a tongueless servant. It’s kinda like the best thing ever.
Coven takes place in New Orleans in 2013, and it’s themes include racism, mothers and daughters, death, and persecution. The main plot line revolves around the competition to become the Supreme, the coven’s leader. The witches vying for the role include Zoe Benson (Taissa Farmiga), a teenager with a literal killer vagina; Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), a movie star who is so annoying you feel ok for clapping when she dies; Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe), an actual living voodoo doll; Nan (Jamie Brewer), a clairvoyant whose no BS policy is the best thing; Misty Day (Lily Rabe), a country girl with enough heart to bring the dead back to life; Cordelia Foxx (Sarah Paulson), the headmistress of the coven, daughter of the ultimate Supreme, and professional cry-baby.
Enough about these witches. My favorite is Myrtle Snow (Frances Conroy), fashion icon and head of the Witches Council. She is so awesome. Melon baller.
In summary, this season is fun, dark, and at times, down-right frightening. Also, it has the best fashion of any of the seasons.
Murder House (Season 1) — Runner Up
Ah, the season that started it all. I really wish I could go back in time and watch this with fresh eyes again, but I’ll admit: I watched Murder House three times within two months [that has to be a record].
In 2011, a broken family moves to, you guessed it, a murder house. The themes of the season include sexuality, family, religion, and infidelity.
Honestly, there are just so many great elements to this season. For one, the characters are pretty amazing: Ben (Dylan McDermott), the crazy dad who thinks he is protecting his family but only tears them apart; Violet (Taissa Farmiga), the depressed teenage daughter with a penchant for the macabre; Vivien (Connie Britton), the tired mother pregnant with the anti-Christ; the eccentric neighbor, Constance (Jessica Lange), her boy-toy, and her daughter, Adelaide (Jamie Brewer); all of the ghosts in the house, including Moira O’Hara (Frances Conroy), a maid who can transform from an old housekeeper to an extremely sexual young woman, and Tate (Evan Peters), a lovable teenage psychopath and murderer. Almost all preconceived notions you have about these characters are turned on their heads.
Some other great things about this season include the soundtrack, the variety of female characters, and the scares–is there anything more frightening than a person in head-to-toe latex?
Asylum (Season 2) — WINNER
Think of the scariest place to be. Did you say an asylum in the mid-1900s? No? Well if not this season will make you rethink that. Even though the setting may be a bit cliche, this season really delves into the myths and realities of sanity, revealing that those who seem sane are the most insane and those who seem insane might just have the tightest hold on clarity.
The season takes place in 1964 Massachusetts but jumps forward to the year 2012 several times. Themes of this season include insanity, religion, science, death, and racism. Oh, did I mention that there are aliens too? Yeah, that’s pretty cool.
The main story revolves around Lana Winters (Sarah Paulson), a determined journalist, whose persistence in interviewing the inmates gets her unjustly incarcerated. She, Kit Walker (Evan Peters), a man accused of being serial killer “Bloody Face,” and Grace Bertrand (Lizzie Brocheré), an inmate with a similar story to that of Lizzie Borden, team up and try to escape the clutches of the institution’s head, Sister Jude (Jessica Lange), and the cruel Dr. Arthur Arden (James Cromwell). Let’s just say they don’t get very far.
So, overall, this is a well-done season, full of suspense, drama, and enough scares to make you rethink watching it at 1 AM.
Which AHS season is you favorite or least favorite? Let us know!
THE FILM ALIEN 